


something inside me's changed

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 19:50:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12175497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: the reunion, after sleeping with each other for months.or,"Five minutes ago, you didn't want anything to do with me!" Robert explodes. He manages to escape, to step around Aaron, but there's a chest of drawers still digging into his back - he's not going anywhere, trapped next to the bed now. "You were throwing ourpastback in my face, telling me to go, and then- then all of a sudden, all you want is me! Why can't you just make your mind up?" He's so desperate, it's shining in his eyes, through his tears.Aaron understands;I know, he thinks.I don't know who I am without you, that's why I'm like this. Instead, he takes a deep breath, tries on a sad smile. "Can't a boy lie when his heart is breaking?" He asks, even though it's not the truth - his heart is already broken. But god knows Robert's lied enough. One more tiny, insignificant fib shouldn't make a difference.





	something inside me's changed

**Author's Note:**

> good morning! im on my way to Manchester so when is there a better time to post?
> 
> title from starving by hailee steinfeld.
> 
> hope you enjoy x

"I can't do this anymore."

It's the fourth time they've been in this position, the fourth time in as many weeks. Aaron doesn't mean for it to happen, he really doesn't, but there's still that pull between him and Robert. That attraction, magnetic and forceful, pushing them apart and dragging them back together. 

"What d'you mean?" He asks, watching Robert through hooded eyes. He regards him carefully, uses his words to approach him like a wild animal.

"I mean," Robert starts, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He stands up, buckles his belt, and turns towards the window. "I can't keep doing this with you. I can't." 

Aaron blinks and forces himself to look away, to pick at the duvet. He feels- he's _angry_. He doesn't even have the right to be. "No one's forcing you to."

"But you are, aren't you?" Robert breathes, furious - dangerous. He picks up his jacket from the back of the chair but doesn't put it on, just clenches the material in his hands. He smooths it back out again, but then fists it again. His knuckles turn white and his breathing starts to shallow. "Because I can never say no to you, and you _know_ that. Every time you look at me like that, I just fall to my knees. And I always will."

"You know how to say no, Robert," Aaron snaps. He'd stand up, prove his point, except he's still naked and he feels vulnerable enough. "You know how to use your mouth. Think you've just proved that." He barely knows what he's saying - the words are just falling out, heated and thoughtless. He doesn't care.

Robert smiles sadly and slowly shrugs on his jacket. "I could never turn you down," He says, eyes wet. "But it's just like you to make a joke, isn't it? Disregard my feelings." 

Aaron scoffs, reaches down to pull his underwear off the floor and finally puts them on. He stands then, finally, with the bed as a barrier between them, and points an accusing finger. "Didn't think feelings came into this," He repeats, mocks Robert's words from years ago.

The older man's face drops, his facade drops. He looks devastated - nothing short of it - and for once, Aaron regrets his words. "Feelings have always come into this," He says forcefully. He looks like he wants to take a step forward, to grab Aaron by the shoulders and shake, but he stays where he is. "Because every time I watch you leave-" He cuts himself off and takes a deep breath, glares at the floor with flushed cheeks.

Aaron doesn't know whether it's embarrassment or shame or even both, some weird cocktail of the two, but it makes him feel sick. This isn't Robert, not _his_ Robert, and he's the one who put that look on his face. He hates himself for it. "What? Every time what?" 

"Every time I watch you leave," Robert whispers. His fingers skim over his belt buckle, the way they used to touch Aaron, but he doesn't even seem aware he's doing it. He's jittery. Scared. "I feel the grief wash over me all over again. I feel like I'm losing you every single time you walk away."

"Then don't let me," Aaron says, rushes out in one breath. "Don't let me walk away, Robert." 

Robert laughs, short and unhappy, and he rounds the bed, edges closer to Aaron. "I have never been able to tell you what to do," He admits, stretching out one hand like he wants to touch and then dropping it as soon as he realises he can't.

"Ask me not to go and I'll stay," Aaron's practically begging by now, may as well be on his knees, because he can't do this himself. He can't. He needs Robert to do it for him.

"But you don't want me," Robert shudders out. He looks heartbroken, cracks on his face like the ones in his chest, and god. Aaron knows how he feels.

He breathes a sigh of frustration. "Do you know what I could have had with Alex?" He asks. This time, he's the one who moves. He reaches Robert, grips his hand, but Robert doesn't move. He lets his fingers stay limp between Aaron's.

Robert makes a pained noise in his throat but doesn't move away. "I don't want to hear-"

"Do you know what I could have had?" He carries on anyway, talks over Robert, because he needs to get this out now or he never will. "I could have had an easy life. No fighting, just dinner dates every week. No bad history, just dinner over the telly. No secrets, just smiles and a fresh start. But I didn't want that, Robert. Do you know why?"

The older man shakes his head and breathes, "No," but it's barely audible.

"I didn't want that because every time I looked at you, I felt like my heart was going to burst. I felt like I was missing out on the best thing about my life, like I had let you go- and for what? I mean, look at us now. She's gone. It was all for nothing, wasn't it?"

"I _hurt_ you," Robert cries. This time, he does move, takes two steps back and then another one when Aaron follows, until he's pressed up against the wall. "I betrayed you and I don't deserve you. But I also don't deserve to put myself through all of this just for you to drop me when someone better comes along. I don't think I could survive it again."

Aaron breathes out through his nose, counts to ten like his counsellor told him to. "Then don't give me reason to," He levels, stares straight at Robert and into his soul.

"How can I promise that?" Robert breathes, hanging his head. "It's who I am, Aaron. I fuck up and then I fuck it up again, and a new start isn't going to stop me. I want you but I can't have you killing yourself slowly because of everything I do wrong."

"Because I don't kill myself even worse when I'm without you," Aaron laughs. He takes another step forward, watches Robert's eyes flit to the door, but he curves his hand around the older man's jaw to keep him still, to keep him looking. "I'm not saying this break wasn't good for us. But we've had enough time. _We've_ had enough time, and I don't want to wait anymore."

"Five minutes ago, you didn't want anything to do with me!" Robert explodes. He manages to escape, to step around Aaron, but there's a chest of drawers still digging into his back - he's not going anywhere, trapped next to the bed now. "You were throwing our _past_ back in my face, telling me to go, and then- then all of a sudden, all you want is me! Why can't you just make your mind up?" He's so desperate, it's shining in his eyes, through his tears. 

Aaron understands; _I know_ , he thinks. _I don't know who I am without you, that's why I'm like this_. Instead, he takes a deep breath, tries on a sad smile. "Can't a boy lie when his heart is breaking?" He asks, even though it's not the truth - his heart is already broken. But god knows Robert's lied enough. One more tiny, insignificant fib shouldn't make a difference.

"I guess," Robert says, chewing his lip. He looks nervous, in a way that's so different to the way he usually is. He's almost _tearful_. "I never know what you want anymore, Aaron. Maybe I don't know you at all."

"God," Aaron breathes, takes a step forward. He grabs Robert by the collar, brings them close until their foreheads are touching. "I want _you_ , Robert. That's all I've ever wanted." 

He presses their lips together in a gentle touch, enough so that he can feel Robert's breathing pause, and then he does it again just to hear the quiet exhale, to feel the breath of air against his skin.

"I want to take this slow," The older man whispers, but his fingertips are brushing Aaron's jaw. "I need to know you want this too."

Aaron nods - there's no doubt in his mind, but he agrees anyway. "I'll say this once, just for now," He murmurs. "I love you." 

Robert smiles, a ghost of one at least, small and fleeting but real, and he kisses Aaron again, numbingly perfect. "Just once, then. I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ aarobron xo


End file.
